When Going to Hell, Take the Scenic Route
by thisissupposedtobeblank
Summary: The name of a god is usually sacred, so no one could hardly blame Uzumaki Naruto for thinking this weird "Chichigami" was a father god rather than a deity old Ero Sennin would fanatically worship. Maybe he shouldn't have treated Jiraiya's teachings like they were gospel - it would certainly explain why he ended up in Hell. And how was he going to explain this to Sakura-chan?


Hyoudou Issei really had lots going for him lately. He learned he had an awesome new superpower that made him super strong. He had a super cute blonde nun living with him. His super hot club president had came by the previous night to try to have sex with him. Yep, he really shouldn't have been feeling down.

Of course, there was the downside that his superpower also attracted other more powerful people to fight him to the death. The blonde nun was practically off-limits to his perversion because, well, she was Innocence Incarnate. And his club president had come by to lose her virginity to him solely because she wanted to get out of a marriage, and he was a last resort… So, to most people, it was fairly obvious that no, Hyoudou Issei's life wasn't going as well as he thought, but the teenager either didn't know, or he didn't care. After feeling up his precious Buchou's naked body and getting a kiss on the cheek, well, he was still pretty happy.

But, after looking back, he realized the girl wasn't really "in the mood," and that combined with not getting any action besides from his own left hand had dampened his spirits a bit.

Well, that~

"Rias-chan! I came to see you!"

~ and the blonde guy coming out of nowhere to hug the redhead who'd stopped by the previous night. Damn, Issei was perfectly straight, but even he could tell that the blonde bastard was good-looking. The guy looked like some playboy delinquent type, what with his black suit and his orange button-up shirt with a few buttons left open to reveal a muscular chest underneath. Issei could just tell girls usually flocked to him, and that was annoying. And he was able to say Issei's Buchou's name so intimately - that grated on Issei's nerves all the more!

… He really wanted to hug Buchou all the while calling her Rias-chan! Though maybe Rias-neesama was good, too.

"Let go of me, Ruto!" Rias barked out, clearly angry at the blonde man's actions. Issei felt a small thrill of victory: at least he had been able to hug a naked Buchou!

That happy feeling quickly disappeared, though, when the blonde guy just grinned as if her scary tone didn't phase him. Ooh, the guy didn't care what Buchou thought about him? Well, Hyoudou Issei was going to find him a piece of his mind!

"Hey you! You're being rude to Buchou! Actually, who even hugs a girl at random?"

The blonde turned to Issei, acting surprised that someone he didn't know was there. A single eyebrow rose questioning. "Uh, who are you?"

For some reason, his question seemed to piss young Issei all the more off. With a courageous stand, the teenager proudly declared who he was. "I am the servant devil of Rias Gremory-sama! I'm her Pawn, Hyoudou Issei!"

"Ehhh? Rias-chan finally got herself a Pawn? That calls for another hug!"

That reaction was completely unexpected. Issei was busy picking himself up off the floor, having slipped in his shock at the carefree nature of the guest. And seeing the other man squeezing his Buchou to death made him all the more mad.

"At least tell me your name!"

"Ah, Rias-chan," the blonde guy pulled away with a pout, still holding the club president's shoulders while ignoring the tick mark that was growing on her forehead. "You haven't told them about me? After all we've been through together... "

"I didn't tell them because there was no need."

"My poor, poor bleeding heart," bemoaned the guest dramatically, before laughing it off. It sure looked to the Gremory Pawn that this blonde playboy guy sure liked to have fun, which even he thought would have been awesome, had it not been at his beloved Buchou's expense. And he still didn't know who the guy was.

Luckily for Issei, a gray-haired nurse decided to save him from his ignorance. "This person is Ruto Phenex. He is the husband of the next heiress of the House of Gremory." The pawn widened his eyes in shock at that. "He is engaged to Rias-ojousama."

"EEEEEEEEHHHHHHHH?!"

"Heh, forgot to mention that as well, Rias-chan? It's almost as if you don't want to marry the awesome me!"

It was quite obvious that Rias had no such desire, even before she shrieked out her thoughts: "I'm not marrying you, Ruto!"

The Phenex snorted upon hearing the redhead's declaration. "Good luck with that. You do know that it's been pushed up a bit, right? Heard it from tou-chan."

"Well, you can tell Lord Phenex that I am the heiress of the Gremory Clan, and I have a say in who I marry!"

"Sorry, but your dad wants us to make babies, too, so~"

"M~make b~babies!" Issei shouted, having finally gotten over the shock of hearing about his King's impending marriage thanks to Ruto's innuendo. "Y~You won't ever have sex with Buchou!"

"Er, sorry to tell you this, kid, but when two adults marry, they… well, they play wrestle in bed. Doubly so if they're tasked with helping make more pure-blood devils. Actually, quite a bit more, since pregnancy rates aren't very high." The Phenex looked as if he were trying to think it out, though Issei failed to realize the young man was just trying to state facts rather than make a slight on the pervert's dream. Alas, his casually brushed-off comment only served to make the new devil even more pissed.

So, naturally, Issei tried to start up a pissing match, using his experiences with the buxom redhead as fuel for his fury. "Hah! Just to let you know, I've already seen Buchou naked! She even let me fondle her naked breasts! They're the best!"

"Hehhh? Rias-chan, I didn't know you had it in you. Quite the naughty princess, aren't ya?"

The teasing had a double effect, forcing the perverted pawn's face to once again slam into the ground as his declaration was again ignored, while his King began to blubber through excuses, the color of her face matching her hair. A sigh came from the direction of the maid, though she seemed oddly at home in the situation. "Ruto-sama, please calm down. If you will allow me to explain, in a desperate move, Ojou-sama here tried to seduce her servant."

"Desperate move… Don't tell me you were trying to get out of the wedding by doing that, right? Kings can do whatever they want to their peerages - politics and family matters hardly care about what you do within them. Hell, you could do yuri stuff with your Queen for all I care."

That shut the Pawn up. Well, a well-placed elbow to his gut by the petite girl sitting on the couch next to Rias may have had a hand it that. It still didn't stop Issei from having some perverted fantasies of his King and her just-as-attractive right-hand woman, Himejima Akeno. Those imaginations were probably going to fuel some nighttime activities for the next month.

While the lewd teenager was gasping for air, Ruto started looking around, as if he was searching for somebody. "Say, Rias-chan, have you heard from Socchan? I'm expecting someone else here."

Issei privately wondered who "Socchan" was, but before he could ask, the wall blew open, filling the room with dust. Coughs and falling debris was all that anyone heard, though the Pawn thought he might have heard the blonde delinquent moan in agony. Once everything settled, the entire Occult Research Club was shocked to find a slim girl with shockingly pink hair, her fist nestled comfortably on top of Ruto's head, though he obviously didn't think so with his pained cries. It took all of a few milliseconds for Issei to recognize her: currently in second in school grades just behind the club president, she was a girl whose brains were matched only by her very firm rear. Well, that and her~

"Small-tits Sakura! What are you doing he~"

But before the boob-lover was able to finish, a fairly powerful fist smashed its way into his face, cleanly lifting him off his feet and through the window… without it being opened. Everyone would've cringed, be it not for a surprised gasp from the petite girl who had earlier handed Issei punishment for lewd behavior. The fact that she even made a reaction caught Rias' entire peerage off-guard.

Their shock, though, quickly wore out when the pink-haired girl identified as Sakura went back to beating on their visitor. "You moron! What the hell happened? We were all together, and then Kaguya got us all separated, an~"

"Ah, Sakura-chan - _oof_ \- if you - _oof_ \- would kindly ~ _oof_ \- notice that we're not alon~ AAAAHHHH! That hurt's Sakura-chan!"

A small cough was enough to gain the attention of the pinkette who immediately burst into a nice shade of pink once she caught sight of the others. That didn't stop her from landing one more punch strong enough to force Ruto's face through the floor. With the guest out of commission for a few seconds, Rias had her loyal Queen go get Issei back, since the discussion, in her opinion, was not nearly yet over. Her new bishop was quick to offer aid to the downed Phenex, but both the newcomer and her King casually waved it aside, telling her that the idiot would be fine in the next few seconds. She quickly went to help Issei, though, once he made it back in Akeno's arms.

Sure enough, the blonde young man sprang up from his burial as if nothing was wrong, much to both of the redhead's displeasure. With a sheepish grin, he waved at everyone, acting as if nothing was wrong. "Hey, everybody, I'd like to introduce you to my newest Rook, Haruno Sakura-chan!"

"What are you talking about, baka?"

"Eh? Didn't you get the letter? Wait, I forgot to write it. Hehe. Wait, don't hurt me, Sakura-chan!" The young man had backed up as the girl he was recruiting had begun cracking her knuckles, her eyes promising untold pain. It was so bad, the Occult Research Club's Vice-president seemed mildly impressed.

Fortunately for the carefree guy, the Gremory maid was there to save him, kindly requesting for the pinkette's punishment to be postponed while more important matters were discussed. Still, Ruto didn't want to leave Sakura hanging, and so he haphazardly snapped his fingers, leaving both Issei and the Phenex's potential new peerage member flummoxed when a magic circle was formed.

That lasted, though, until fourteen figures flashed into existence. The two confused looks soon morphed into looks of envy on the face of the male student and surprised recognition on his female classmate. Behind Ruto stood fourteen girls, all close to his age and, in Issei's eyes, gorgeous. It was obviously a~

"Harem!"

"Err, Rias-chan, what's wrong with your Pawn?" The blonde devil asked warily, somewhat disturbed by the huffing Embodiment of Lust.

"... His dream is to build a harem," sighed the exasperated redhead, her Pawn's antics obviously trying.

Ruto stepped back for a second, and then, in a surprising move, immediately gave a look of pity and horror to the pervert. "Noooo!" His concerned cry shocked the Gremory group, shaking Issei out of his gaze. "No, listen to me, Pawn! It's not worth it! Trust me!"

"Says the shithead who was in the middle of a threesome when he was told he had to come here," snapped a cute redhead wearing some very provocative clothes. Issei's focus on the revealing fishnet body gear underneath a dark trench coat was taken away from her words. That Japanese seemed awfully foreign to him.

"Tayuya-chan!" Ruto looked as if he had been betrayed. "Don't say th~"

"Naruto?" The pinkette's smile may have been sweet, but nobody in the room could ever think that she had any kind thoughts on the mind.

The poor Phenex whimpered.

* * *

Haruno Sakura moaned the second she realized she was waking up. No, she definitely preferred remaining asleep, so she kept her eyes shut, hoping that her wish would be fulfilled. She was certainly comfortable enough; the pinkette felt like she was sleeping on a cloud in heaven.

Mind you, she wasn't exactly sure where she was, though she was fairly certain she hadn't died yet, so heaven was improbable. But that really didn't matter. Because this bed was absolutely _divine_. The pillows were as soft as a marshmallow, the mattress contoured to her every curve, and the silk sheets felt so good on her naked body.

She wrinkled her nose at that thought. She never slept naked.

"Naruto-kun, good morning~"

Huh. That was strange - she could have sworn that was Piggy. Now, why was she here, wherever here was? Sakura hadn't seen her in years. And why did she say Narut~

"Naruto!" The pinkette screamed, instantly up and alert. She whirled around, finding the two culprits who denied her a peaceful morning. There, lying down next to her, was her former teammate, blinking up at her in a small amount of shock and fear. The reason was pretty much easy to figure out: Yamanaka Ino was currently sitting just above his waist in a very provocative pose.

"Sakura-chan, I can explain!"

"I'm not sure why you need to, Naruto-kun. After all, it's pretty easy to figure out that this sexy body of mine is trying to ride you," the platinum blonde girl purred, which sent a shiver down her fellow blonde's spine. Ino then turned to her long-time rival, a smug smirk getting a rise out of the pinkette. "Naruto-kun likes a little morning love, Billboard Brow. Well, he actually enjoys a little love-making almost any time of the day, so it's not unusual to find him spending some quality time with one or more of his servants. Though, I must admit, even I didn't think he'd be that quick to get his hands on you."

Sakura blinked, Ino's words prompting a total recall of the previous day's events - the reunion with all of her old friends, that grey-haired lady talking about something called a "Rating Game," her accepting Naruto's clumsy proposal to be a "Rook" and the horrible description of what that actually entailed, and then somehow teleporting to where she was now, naked in bed with her blonde teammate.

It didn't take a genius to figure out why that was the case.

"Naruto…" growled the girl, her fury rising. The target of her anger leaned as far away as he could. That had amounted to all of a few more inches, thanks to Ino continuing to sit on him, her excitement at the imminent blow-up plainly evident on her face.

"Er… yes, Sakura-chan?"

"That was my first time, you idiot!" Her fist found its mark: Naruto's face. Alas, she hadn't paid attention to how much force she was putting into it nor the angle of her punch, and with a sudden lurch the entire bed collapsed, sending both girls sprawling on top of the unfortunate (?) boy.

"Oh, Billboard Brow? Didn't think you were that forward."

"S~Shut up, Piggy! T~That was a complete accident! And besides, I'd never even consider having a threesome!"

"Is that so? And here I could have sworn something went on between you two and Hinata before."

"HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?!"

"Er, girls? I'm not sure why I'm saying this, because the position I'm in is something out of my dreams, but~"

It took a few seconds for the newest servant to register what the lone male was talking about, but the hand on her butt was a dead giveaway. That, and how something seemed to be standing at attention near her thigh. "PERVERT!" Sakura punished the young man in the face one more time before rolling to a corner of the bed as far away from Naruto as possible, making sure to wrap herself tightly in the sheets. There was no way her idiot teammate would get anywhere near her again.

"Ino-chan, look what you've done," bemoaned the Phenex, both of his eyes bruised.

"Ah, just hurry up and heal it, you big baby. Besides, now that Billboard Brow is up, you might as well explain what happened."

"Hey, I could've told her everything last night!"

The blonde girl lifted her perfect eyebrow. "You were able to tell her everything in five minutes?"

"Ye~ Wait, what do you mean by 'five minutes'?"

"That's how long you two were in here before Sakura started screaming."

And that ended that argument. Both of the two lovers blushed, embarrassed that they had been found out so easily.

It took a few minutes for the nervous chuckling to end before Naruto finally gave in and started the topic. "Well, we died."

"Great way to start off a conversation…"

"Shut up, Ino-chan!"

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm with her on this one."

"Fine! Fine! Lemme start over." The poor young man almost wept at how cruel the two were to him. "My own lovers are so mean."

"Actually, let's start there," chimed in Sakura. "I'm fairly certain, Naruto-kun, that you once said that I was the only one for you?"

"Er… maybe?" The Phenex eyed his pink-haired Rook warily. That tone of voice was really sweet. Almost too sweet.

"Now, I came to understand that Hinata was someone just as special as I was, so I let her be."

"Er… maybe? It was a long time ago." The blonde young man was definitely nervous now, and for good reason. Sakura had made sure to leave out how much of a disaster Hinata's confession originally was - it probably didn't help that she had been somewhat hidden behind a door when the Hyuuga had offered her heart and Naruto hadn't had the gall to let her down at all. The fallout had taken months to sort out before the former medic's sensei had ordered the two girls to kiss, make up, and share the lucky bastard. How Tsunade-sama ever thought such an idea was good was something she had never figured out. Hell, she still wasn't sure how Hinata and she had ended up taking that literally, as Ino had mentioned earlier. It was something neither of the two kunoichi would ever speak of again.

"So, Naruto-kun," the pinkette silkily murmured, "I'm just interested in knowing why, in the afterlife, are there fourteen other girls here."

The look on her boyfriend's face spoke volumes of how much shit he knew he was under.

"J~Just for your information, S~Sakura-chan, I never met one of those girls before I woke up on this world! And I try to avoid her as much as possible!" He was obviously grasping at straws.

Fortunately, Sakura was pacified - though it was just for a short time. "Ah, are you talking about the young blonde one with the princess dress? She does look a bit like you."

Ino couldn't help but laugh. "That's Naruto's sister, Ravel-sama."

"'Sama'?"

"Yes. It seems Fate decided that having fifteen girlfriends in this world still wasn't enough and made Naruto a noble: Ruto Phenex, third son of Lord Phenex and potentially the future Lord Gremory."

"Noble? So that's the reason behind the whole 'servant' thing?" Sakura was actually kind of disappointed to hear that - she had originally believed that it was some kind of weird new fetish of Naruto's, and now she couldn't use that as an excuse to make him into a human (or was it devil now?) punching bag.

"And Naruto here has grown so used to his lecherous ways that he even made his own little sister a serva~"

"That's not true at all!" the accused proclaimed, obviously trying to defend his character. It was hardly surprising - the idiot always tried to prove his innocence ever since his old pranking days. … Sakura wasn't sure if she had ever seen him succeed. "My mother forced her on me! I don't want a brocon boxer-stealing little sister as my Bishop!"

That… sounded really poorly. Well below Naruto's usual standards, which was pretty much rock bottom in the first place.

"It's true," confirmed the erotic blonde girl, much to the Rook's shock. "Poor Naruto-kun has to purchase new boxers every other week, even after hiding them around his room."

Anyone would excuse the brand new she-devil if she passed out from information overload by now, especially with how absurd it was. This… this was really too much. She had been reincarnated into a new world, found out there were devils (and presumably other factions); had become the servant of her former boyfriend-turned-devil who promptly relit the old flame; and finally had learned that, after years of wishing he had a family, Naruto finally got one, complete with a perverted little sister who had incestuous thoughts about him.

This thing could only happen around Naruto. He had a knack for getting into, in Shikamura's words, "troublesome situations."

But there was one thing that still was left unexplained: why were there fourteen others that had been reincarnated in this world?

And, more importantly, what did Ino actually mean by the whole "fifteen girlfriends" thing?

There was only one way to find out, and Sakura didn't doubt that the blonde pervert currently squirming on the bed in fear was going to be crying out in pain rather soon.

Tsunade-sama would be so proud.

* * *

 **I'm going to start this off by apologizing for the lack of originality, but let's face it: Naruto's a blonde with blue eyes and a demon in his gut, and there is a family of devils with blonde hair and blue eyes. 1+1=2, … or maybe in this case it's more 3+3=6. Thus Ruto Phenex is born. But where is Raizer/Riser/Rizer (however you wish to spell it)? Raizer, bye-bye.**

 **But since Naruto isn't a jerk, what will happen in the Rating Games for Rias' hand in marriage? Will he woo her to become his lover and wife, leaving a certain Chichiryuutei heartbroken? Or maybe, things go crazy and the heiress of the Gremory clan gets snatched up by a perverted Norse god who loves to make fun of his super-beautiful but cheap Valkyrie who can't get a boyfriend. Is it blasphemous if I said I'd prefer Rossweisse over the Princess of Ruin? Nothing against the redhead, but I just find roughly five girls more fun to read about. I wonder if anyone can guess who they are...**

 **Anyways, I'm also going to be adding a little segment at the end of these chapters about Naruto in his life in the Elemental Nations. If you couldn't tell, this Naruto isn't the same from the one everyone loved. Oh, he's the same type of person - hyperactive, loud, idiotic, but loyal and friendly. He made a number of girls swoon in the anime, and he made a greater number of girls swoon in this version's life - it's just that, rather than a bunch of filler girls and Hinata, it's a bunch of canon characters, though there might be one or two filler girls. The segments are going to be in the viewpoint of the girls, which will be tough, since I'm made up of XY chromosomes. If you've got any tips, let me know.**

 **Yours truly,**

 **Blank**

* * *

Short story:

Very few boys around her age had ever caught Yamanaka Ino's eye, mostly because it was trained to follow a certain dark-haired brooding hottie for years. So, naturally, after three years without Dark (in hair color and mood - his skin was pretty pale, after all) and Handsome, her eye had steadily looked for a new piece of candy to devour.

They had first taken in the nice physique of Sai, a mysterious ninja who had suddenly showed up to be a member of Sakura and Tayuya's team, and they savored every detail. It probably helped that he actually looked a lot like Sasuke-kun, which Billboard Brow obviously agreed, seeing as the pinkette was basically drooling whenever she was next to him. Tayuya wasn't, but that was because the redhead claimed to have her eye on someone else, which Ino couldn't fathom. How could anyone not want that body, especially if they're on the same team?

Then she learned of the artist's odd nickname-thing. Never had the blonde interrogation specialist-in-training been turned off as quickly as she was.

Around that time came the return of an old classmate of the Konoha Nine from a three-year apprenticeship under one of the Sannin. In completely related circumstances, it became pretty obvious who Tayuya had ignored all other males in favor for, because the former Sound-nin was taking all the lessons she had learned from Mitarashi Anko and putting the full-court press on one Uzumaki Naruto.

That had left Ino floored. How had that happened? Ino hated to admit it, but Tayuya was drop-dead gorgeous. Maybe not as beautiful as a certain mind-reading botanist, but certainly up there with Billboard Brow and a Hyuuga with self-confidence issues (that in itself was a mystery; Ino would have killed to have a body like Hinata's). The blonde was also perfectly aware that Tayuya had been in T&I the entire time Naruto had been hospitalized after the failed Uchiha Retrieval mission and had only been released after the orange knucklehead had set off on his training mission.

It paid to have a father on the inside, even when he consistently embarrassed her.

Anyways, girls often had a (poor) habit at looking at other girls' crushes and judging. It was what set her and Billboard Brow off all those years ago, and it was what she did now. And what she found was actually surprising.

Naruto was not bad-looking.

Sure, he needed a fire set on his wardrobe. Those orange jumpsuits were absolutely hideous. But beyond that, there was certainly little that wouldn't appeal to a teenage girl. He had grown a good amount, both in height and in the shoulders, so she could imagine that the young man was rather ripped underneath his clothes. He had an infectious smile and a fun humor, even if he was quite childish. And the blonde hair and blue eyes…

Watching the redhead hit on the self-proclaimed future Hokage with all the subtlety of a blunt object made Ino realize that she had really swung hard and missed with her first two prospective boyfriends. But until the umpire called her out, she still had a third swing.

Maybe Uzumaki Naruto was that home run she was looking for?


End file.
